March Madness

Steve and I have really enjoyed watching the NCAA tournament this year, especially with our Tar Heels playing so well. It is nice to have something like this to take our mind off of everyday life if only for a short while. In fact everyone in our house has been getting into the spirit of March Madness...



and we are starting to get really excited now that our Tar Heels are Final Four bound! GO TAR HEELS!!!!!

March 22, 2008

Today one year ago we celebrated Luke's life with a beautiful memorial service. I'm not sure how I made it through that day. When we were at church greeting people and sitting through the service I kept thinking I should be crying but no tears would come. I think part of this was due to shock, but I also have no doubt that He was providing strength to get through the day and the many to come.

I remember waking up the day after Luke's death. It took me a few seconds to process things. At first the realization hit me that this was not a dream-it was very real. Then the reality started to sink in. Not sure how to comprehend something like this much less get through it I started praying. I said something to this effect: "Lord I can't do this, I can't do this alone, please help me". I think that was about it, except I probably repeated it over and over numerous times. Then as I was praying these words I saw footprints on the beach. I hadn't thought about Footprints in a long time, and in that moment it just popped in my head. I knew then that God was carrying me at that moment. He continued to carry me, and not only did I make it through that day I also made it through this past year.

I want to share some of my thoughts from that night one year ago, written down long before I even knew what a blog was.

For the past hour I have been reading emails from so many kind people, many of whom I have never met before. I have so many thoughts going through my head, so I am trying to capture some of them on paper. The past three months have been a very emotional and intense journey, with emotions ranging from shock, worry, joy, back to shock, and now an intense sadness. I remember Steve and me talking to the NICU social worker a few days after Luke was born. One of the things she told us was that we were on a roller coaster ride. There would continuously be ups and downs on this ride, and that no one would let us off of this ride. After talking with her I told Steve that I really didn’t care for her analogy especially the part about not being let off of the ride. I wanted everything to be ok. I wanted Luke to make it through his surgery and to be in good health, even though I knew he faced numerous heart surgeries in the future. I couldn’t know at the time, and I’m glad I didn’t know just how right she was. This has truly been a roller coaster ride. We were so happy with Luke’s successful heart surgery, and how quickly he was able to come home. We enjoyed three wonderful weeks at home with him. However, soon we found ourselves back in the hospital facing another surgery. Luke once again showed us what a tough little guy he was. He recovered quickly from his surgery, and soon we were back home again. We really enjoyed being back home again after being in the hospital for so long. Luke was gaining weight wonderfully and he was beginning to coo and smile at us. He was such a joy to hold and be near. Then suddenly he was gone. We were shocked after he had fought so hard during his life and had always won. I felt as if he had lost his last battle. However tonight I was reading an email that said Luke has won, he is in Heaven with Jesus. This is so true, and it is such a wonderful feeling for me to realize this. Yes, Luke has won his final battle. He no longer has to face any more surgeries, unsuccessful blood draws, or pain. He is now waiting for us in Heaven.

I have always known that we have a wonderful family, and this journey has only reinforced that. Our family has always been there to help and support us along the way. Before Luke came home the first time Steve told me “just think how close we are going to be me, you, and Luke”. Even though Luke isn’t here with us physically we are still very close and we will hold Luke with us in our hearts forever. I also have been amazed at the number of friends and people we have never met who have shown us support. We were constantly checking Luke’s caringbridge website and reading all of the entries which helped to shed some light on a very hard time in our lives.

One last thing I learned today (thanks Pastor W) is that we can’t judge the worth of a life by the time spent here. It is not the amount of time we are here, but the impact that our lives have. I feel from what others have said that Luke’s short life had a huge impact on them. Luke completed his mission in his three short months here-something none of us have accomplished yet. Finally I am so thankful to our Savior Jesus Christ for the gift of eternal life, and the promise we will be reunited with Luke when our mission is over.

One year ago today

Today marks one year since we said our earthly goodbyes to Luke as he entered the kingdom of Heaven. At times it seems like it was just yesterday and other times like it was so long ago. I never could have imagined going through something like this before in my life, and yet we have survived. With the Lord's provision we have come a long way from last year. We still miss our son terribly and always will, but we choose to focus on the wonderful and glorious place where he waits for us. Steve and I have grown even closer through this, and our faith has grown by leaps and bounds. My faith in particular has grown in just the past few months. No it is not always easy, but recently I have found myself letting go some and leaving more up to God in my life. I have felt more peace recently and am excited to see how God will continue to work in our lives.

Today was a nice day. My parents went with Steve and I down to my grandparent's farm. We visited the small, country cemetery where Luke was buried for the first time since last year. We are so thankful that he was buried in such a special place, between his great-grandparents. We then went back to my grandparent's farm and walked around for awhile. I have so many wonderful childhood memories of visiting and playing on my grandparent's farm, and now I will always associate these memories with Luke. We were blessed with gorgeous weather today, and enjoyed our visit to the farm and cemetery while we remembered Luke. On the way home we enjoyed some NC eastern style BBQ, which has become a tradition for Luke's birthday and angelversary. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers today. We were certainly covered in His peace today.

You probably can't tell from this picture, but we are wearing our Luke t-shirts that we made for today. On the front they say: LUKE our little miracle and on the back: There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. Albert Einstein

Ahhh, the country maybe someday we will move out here!

Steve with my dad's antique wagon full of plants to take home and plant!

A Special Memory

I know I have gotten behind with posting this year, and even though it has been awhile since this happened I still want to write about it. I am talking about a celebration of baptism that our church celebrated this past January. Every person that was baptised in 2008 was listed in the church bulletin. Luke was the first person to be baptised, so his name was first. This was one of those sundays where you contemplate whether you should go to church or stay at home where you will be "safe". Both of my parents made sure I knew what was happening on this particular day, but I really didn't have to hesitate much with my decision. I knew I wanted to be there, to be a part of the celebration of these baptisms, including my sweet Luke. It turned out to be a very good decision. Attending church has not been easy...and we had a great time at church that day! Even though it was hard at times, Steve and I made it through the service and held it together quite well. A few members including our pastor had recently found our blog through Luke's caring bridge website, and they told me that they had really enjoyed reading it. It was really nice to talk to them, to learn that they had spent some time visiting us on our blog, and to hear that they were thinking of us. In addition to this they also told us how nice it was to celebrate Luke's baptism. Not only did it mean so much to hear this, but it was really the way they said it. They said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world-almost as if I were holding Luke in my arms at that very moment. I think that anyone who has lost a child can agree with me on this-we want to talk about our children. Not only do we want to talk about them, but we want to hear their names mentioned without that look of shock or without that awkward pause. Hearing these simple words from these thoughtful people meant so much to me and made my day! So if you guys are reading this Thank you!

Angel Skye

Today a sweet friend of mine is celebrating her daughter Angel's first angelversary. I have never met Erica, but she has reached out to me and given me so much support as we both continue on this journey. I'm sure she would really appreciate it if you would go over to their blog and let them know you are thinking of them today! Happy Angel Day Angel! You are one very special and loved little girl!

Happy Anniversary!

Today Steve and I celebrated our seventh anniversary! I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful man! Happy Anniversary honey-I love you!

making it through

Well we made it through January, and I have to say I am happy to have arrived at the start of February. Before this year began I feared what it would bring especially as I relived the events of January one year ago. The month that we unexpectedly welcomed our son six weeks early followed by a whirlwind of events. Finding out that Luke was not healthy and needed heart surgery combined with a lack of sleep produced an unbearable amount of anxiety for me. I went through something that I have never come close to experiencing in my life before and hope to never experience again.

I remember the night before Luke's heart surgery. We were waiting in the PICU waiting room for him to be transferred there from the NICU. The waiting room was way too warm and I felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I had been feeling a lot like that at the time, and that evening I had to get out of that waiting room. I remember walking the halls with my mom. It was a bit cooler out there and it helped to be up and about instead of stuck in that room. I felt a lot like that the first week after Luke was born with the nights being the worst. I'm not sure exactly when these feelings went away. The first week was the worst and then they slowly began to ease. After spending a week in Chapel Hill at my cousin's apartment we went to stay at my parent's house, which is only a few minutes from our house. The thought of staying in our house brought back all of those terrible feelings of anxiety. When I thought of sleeping there all I could think about was the last night we spent there while I was in labor. I didn't return to our house until Luke came home. At that point I was relieved and thankful that I felt comfortable there and was able to sleep.

As I feared it was hard going through January this year without Luke. All of the memories were hard: January 7th was Luke's surgery, on the 13th Steve held him for the very first time and he was transferred to the CICU (the step down unit), and on the 21st he was able to come home with us. These are just a few of the many memories of this month. As each date approached and passed I was happy to learn that those awful feelings from last year did not return. It was hard but nothing like last year. I found myself actually wanting to return to those days even with all of the shock, worry, and anxiety. It is so weird I find myself longing to be in the same place I wanted to run from so badly last year. I found myself longing to be back in that same waiting room, the cafeteria, and his PICU and CICU rooms. Realistically I know I don't really want to return to the hospital, but somehow thinking of those places makes me feel closer to Luke.

Looking back on January I can say that this year has been good. It hasn't been as hard as I feared; we are making it through. I don't know if Jesus is carrying me or walking beside me, but I know He is close. The fears I had before this year began are still there. I am trying hard to keep them at bay, and I have my good and bad moments at doing this. My biggest fear/question is will we blessed with another baby, a baby we will get to keep. It is hard to deal with this fear along with the emptiness and loneliness we feel from Luke's absence. I struggle with it daily as I try to let go and let God take care of the details. I know His timing is perfect, and I am trying my best to trust in His plans.